The best jokes (13471 to 13485)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13471 to 13485. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A man goes into hospital for a
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
Sausage Factory
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Roar
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
On that fateful day, Davy Croc
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"
Top 10 Signs That It Is Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.9. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'
5. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. 'Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- network charges' is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little 'M''s on them.
And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
A Pastor goes to a nursing hom
A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.
Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.
Last year I replaced several w
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I must have won that silly argument.
Any woman can have the body of...
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a fewdrinks first.My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp asit used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body arejust prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided weget cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but theyhaven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner childplaying with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow oldbecause you stop laughing.
Doctor visit
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Too Many
So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.
Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.
Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".
Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".
Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".
