The best jokes (13486 to 13500)

Mike and Bill, are hanging out...

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.

Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"

Gather at the river

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Native American Trades

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Dealing With Trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Principal Affair

There was a rumor going around school that a married teacher was having sex with the principal.

So one day Kelly, Rob, John, and Crystal stayed after school to see if it was true. Once everyone left they searched the school.

(1 hour later)

Disappointed there was no sign the rumors were true.

Then they heard noises coming from the principal's office. They were shocked to see Mrs. Frolly and the principle having sex on the desk.

Even more surprisingly the principal was Miss. Cottlin

Submitted by Lol_Girl_72

Editted by Curtis

Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A head-on collision occurred b...

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."

Pizza!

One night after prom a guy took a girl on a dead end road and she was like where are we at? The guy replied this is where guys and girls go to have sex after prom! She was like ol ok! The guy was then like do you wanna have sex and the girl replied no and the guy was like why not?!?! The girl was like because im on my period. The guy said ok well then can i eat you out and the again replied no im on my period. So they sat there for awhile and the guy was finally like well then can i finger you and she replied ok. Then not to long after that a cop pulled up and came up and knocked on the window of the car. So the guy rolls down the window and says is there a problem officer? The officer was like no but what are you kids doin and the boy replied while licking his fingers eatin pizza.

Seems an elderly gentleman had...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Rules Of The South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

“A man who cannot rea...

“A man who cannot read the sign that warns people from throwing garbage on the ground is illiterate.”

Shane Mauss: Crazy Expressions

Expressions are crazy. How about the one, What crawled up your ass and died? Thats a strange one; it means a persons in a bad mood or whatever. It doesnt make any sense. I think that one would be in a worse mood if said thing were still alive.

Demetri Martin: Naming Foods

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?

sex

you mamma's like a gas pump you got to pay before you pump

What a mess!

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis