The best jokes (13846 to 13860)

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase? A shelf-ie!”

“I tried to take out

“I tried to take out the trash but I think it was a complete waste of time.”

It seems that a young man volu

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

“Commuters live in a

“Commuters live in a clock-eyed world.”

My Uncle The Umpire

Sue: My uncle is an umpire in a restaurant.
Lou: In a restaurant?
Sue: Yes. When someone orders pancakes, he yells, “Batter up!”

Writing A Book

I’m writing a book in fifth person...
So every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”

Making a Wedding Bearable

Little Johnny was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.That’s the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed nad said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Something In Her Eye

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars."
"That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

Your momma is so fat...

Your momma is so far that when she walks outside with a yellow shirt on everyone yells "Taxi"

Neal Brennan: Porn Today

Porn used to amaze me. Id be like, How theyd get that man and that lady to have sex at that bakery? But now the older I get, the more I realize men and women having sex is the easy part of a relationship. You know whats like a fantasy to me now? You know what would be porn to me today? Just video of a man and a woman getting along. Wait, he has to work late and shes not going to take it personally? Oh, thats hot.

Mike DeStefano: Comedian Resume

I was performing at a comedy club and a guy comes up to me after the show with his card. He says, Hey I saw your show, it was fantastic. Do you have a resume? I said, Does it look like I have a f**king resume? I curse at people who dont have a funny friend to hang out with. Do you want me to put that on a letterhead?

One day I met a sweet gentlema...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God, Protect Me From Your Followers."

I’m going to buy a farm two mi...

I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said Jed.
What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked Roger.
Spaghetti, said Jed.