The best jokes (13831 to 13845)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13831 to 13845. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
- Daddy, daddy... Why is it th...
- Daddy, daddy... Why is it that everyone calls me stupid?- I don't know kid; I am not your daddy.
Really funny jokes-Cowboy bragging
Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him. Roy's a good lad. I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."
"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck. "He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both. Here he comes now."
Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"
Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
$200 breasts
A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one.He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.
She agrees and shows him the other one.
He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.
He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
Really funny jokes-Neck size
One lady to a salesman in a shop: “I want to select a shirt for my husband, can you help me?”Salesman: “Sure madam, it is my pleasure. What would be the size of your husband?”
Lady: “Err….. about size, I don't know. But yes, his neck fits perfectly in my hands.”
Burglar's secret
A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"I'm sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.
“No, you don't understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”
John Mulaney: Women Friends
I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldnt work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine. Jeff Dunham: Unimpressive Superheroes
Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut...
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.The Lawn
A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"
Yesterday I went to the doctor...
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight,and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
“What do you call it
“What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase? A shelf-ie!”
