The best jokes (13816 to 13830)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13816 to 13830. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Pussy Money
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000in the collection plate. This went on for weeks
until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that
you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week
my son sends me money, and what I don't need
I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how
much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do
for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does
he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in
Las Vegas and another in Reno."
A cop stops a Harley for trave...
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
#joke #policeman #doctor
Doctor Doctor Collection 08
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
Wonder bra
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.#joke #short
I've sure gotten old!
I'v...
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
#joke
Iliza Shlesinger: Hair Too Long
Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel -- religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss -- unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch -- one of 12 brides.#joke #wedding #bride
Yo Mama Is So Dark
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.
Heart Attack
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."
#joke
Any plans to float a common cu...
Any plans to float a common currency are eurozoneous.#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Buffalo come
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Heaven And Hell
In Heaven:The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
#joke #fruit #apple
Kumail Nanjiani: Racist Comebacks
Most of the people who are racist to me are white, and its very tricky to try and be racist to white people. What am I going to be, like, Oh, Im Kumar? Well, youre the lead in most movies that come out.#joke #short
The sodomite's preferred...
The sodomite's preferred way to die? A noose.#joke #short
A man was sent to prison for 2...
A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc.He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox.
The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant.
He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do." He showed him all the tricks, and the guy was impressed.
He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?"
The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."
#joke #animal #ant
