The best jokes (13876 to 13890)

Wacky Warning Labels

I bought a garden hose nozzle at the local hardware. It had one disclaimer: “Do not spray into electrical outlet.”

My favorite is the one on my birth control package. “Do not use if you plan on becoming pregnant”.

On a children's cough medicine prescribed for my 5 year old was the warning ‘Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.'

My daughter has been diagnosed as being diabetic. On one of her packs of medication. “May cause loss of consciousness–symptoms–unconsciousness!” Danny

My favorite has always been the one on a hair drier I bought:
DO NOT USE IN SHOWER WHILE WATER IS RUNNING. You need one for your newsletter though: Caution–may stimulate thought and dispell comfortable ignorance !!

On an emergency contraceptive kit (morning after pill) a warning saying not to take it if you're pregnant; sleeping pills come with a warning that they may cause drowsiness; Antibuse, a med to help overcome addictions (including alcohol) comes with a warning not to drink alcohol with it; straight razor blades which have a prominent marking saying Warning: this package contains sharp objects.”

There were many, many warnings tucked in the operators manual of my laptop. One said: “Do not use while immersed in water.” There's a sticker on Microsoft keyboards which says “Warning: Some experts believe the use of any keyboard may cause serious injury. Consult statement on the back of this keyboard.” LeRoy As Sweden has so many lakes and waterways there are dozens of official ferries. One of the signs says “STOP–Ferry–this does not apply to vehicles boarding the ferry”. Another one is at the beginning of a Clearway (no stopping or parking) and you can see a bus-stop about 20 yards further on. They have to add a rider which says “Does not apply to buses in regular traffic.” Glenn

The stroller I have has a great one. Under the seat is a basket for groceries etc. and there is a label there to not place your baby in in the basket under the seat! Jen

A woman was suing her pharmacist because he didn't tell her that the spermicidal jelly she bought was to be inserted before sex. Instead, she was spreading it on toast and eating it like, well, jelly. (I swear I'm not making this up). Her response was, “Who has time to read labels when you're in the mood?” I never did hear the outcome of the suit, but the general response on our end was “Can you sue someone for being stupid?”

A collection of insults!

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

I Guess That's F

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?"

says one guy.

"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

Supper

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

Inmates Running the Asylum?

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less

than 1000 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same

group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in

line. Are the inmates running the asylum?

“I saw you kissing my sister l...

“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.

“All right, all right! Not so loud,” said the youth. “Here’s fifty cents to keep your mouth shut.”

“Gee, thanks! Wait a minute, and I’ll give you twenty cents change.”

“Twenty cents change? What for?”

“I like to be fair,” said the youngster, “and it’s the same price for everybody!”

Air Head on a Beer

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

“Dermatologists are v...

“Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game.”

Battery power

A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

Business One-liners 18

By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”
“I was a police officer,” he responded.
“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”
He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.
“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”
He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.
“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.
“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

What did one plate say to the ...

What did one plate say to the other plate?

This Is My First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Jack: How long can a person li...

Jack: How long can a person live without brains? Jill: I don't know, just how old are you?

I was taking the family out fo...

I was taking the family out for ice cream last night when my wife commented on the gas prices.

"Thank God they're going back to normal," she said.

I said, "Yep, and they're going to keep going down until November 7th."

"Why, what happens on November 7th?"

"General elections for the House and Senate."

"So you think these prices are temporary?"

"I'd bet your dad's life on it."

She shot me a dirty look.

"Hey, I could be wrong and he'd get to live."