The best jokes (1396 to 1410)

1· I used to eat a lot o...

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

At a wine merchant's warehous...

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full ofgolf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and hisbulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It'sgolf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at himthoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

An important and very well pub...

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session.
He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

I'm going to give you some money...

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

In high school, two boys, two...

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."

A woman goes into an antique s...

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."
"Why not?" asked the customer.
"Because that's my husband."

How Old Are You?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

With no warning and clear out...

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Husband Worried Wife's Temper

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Two guys are out hiking. All o...

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

1. I can't reach my license u...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

Effects of anesthesia...

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of \ests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.