The best jokes (13996 to 14010)

A woman complains to her frien

A woman complains to her friend that her hubbie is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation.
Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort. She advises her to cook her man a slap up meal and then send him drinking down the pub with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.
The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs.
This excites the woman immensely as her hubbie has never been this erotic before.
She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no... maybe the lads are right -- a beard wouldn't suit me."

One day a young man and woman

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my gosh, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said, "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper... After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed... The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud... The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

What did Queen Victoria say to

What did Queen Victoria say to the ostrich?

Puns about feminism are a setb

Puns about feminism are a setback for women's glib.

Don’t put your boogers in the microwave. If you do, your goos is cooked.

#joke #short

 The Results Of A Study

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

“The baker had only h

“The baker had only half the flour he needed so he decided to make short bread.”

Dreamed I knighted an electric

Dreamed I knighted an electric fish last night… It was so Sir Eel.

People who want to reverse the

People who want to reverse their breast enhancements seriously need to get their prior titties straight.

“2017 would have been

“2017 would have been a great year to open up a unisex haircut place and call it 'Totally Clips'.”

“The doctor told the

“The doctor told the patient to use a Q-tip. It went in one ear and out the other.”

“What did the sock pu

“What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.”

 Pass Out In Shock

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Do you know what was happening

Do you know what was happening 167 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands

Pat: I met someone who is so d

Pat: I met someone who is so dumb, he thinks a football coach has four wheels.
Pam: How many wheels does it have?