The best jokes (14011 to 14025)

Father Murphy walked into a pu...

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and he approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Blonde and Goldfish

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

SMS jokes-Talent test

A Question asked in a Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?
The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognize?

Really funny jokes-Brain transplantation

Notice to Employees (Includes ...

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

SICKNESS 
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. 
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY 
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY 
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. 

DEATH 
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. 

This new benefit program started yesterday. 
The Management 

The teacher wrote on the black...

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boyfriend.” Paul replied.

A truck driver is driving alon...

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Two cows....

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

TGIF

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he

entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and

she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He

smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,

puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her

remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was

trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a

quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally

decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,

Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered,

"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

A young man tutored his ...

A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
"Then that is long division!"

Little voices...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.

He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."

“A shotgun is an exha...

“A shotgun is an exhausted rifle.”

Blonde gets haircut

A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."

The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.

The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.

In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"

What happens when Twitter is down?