The best jokes (14026 to 14040)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14026 to 14040. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Seeing-eye dog
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Insurance...
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
My Darling Husband
Dear John,I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Angela.
Rider
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
Speeding Ticket
Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.
"What's the problem officer?"
"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."
"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"
"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I'll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.
"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.
"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest." 
Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."
Musicians and Lightbulbs
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lostin the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Answering Machine Message 43
Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
T.J. Miller: Open Source Coding Joke
This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? Its true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.Mike Birbiglia: A Little Unstable
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl Ive ever dated.Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
