The best jokes (14041 to 14055)

While hiking in the woods, Nat

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"
Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him.
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever.

Bubba decided it was time to p

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.
Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

NED: I thought I saw a walrus

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach!
ED: Nah, that was just a seal lyin'.

When a patient regained consci

When a patient regained consciousness after an operation, the surgeon told her: "I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to open you up again. You see, unfortunately I left my rubber gloves inside you."
The patient said: "Well, if that's all it is, I'd prefer you to leave me alone and I'll buy you a new pair."

When I went to the French poul

When I went to the French poultry farm, it was a mess! The poulet everywhere.

My Soviet-made car never worke

My Soviet-made car never worked. It had a Lada problems. It was a Lenin. It kept Stalin; I would always have to use my feet, and Trotsky to work – and that is total Bolshevik!

Dessert island

I'd love to be abandoned on a dessert island.

What Are They For?

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

The Slammer

Prison is just one word to you...
But for some people, it's a whole sentence.

How does a cannibal greet his

How does a cannibal greet his guests?

Being poor is absolutely ro

Being poor is absolutely no fund at all.

A lady is having a bad day at

A lady is having a bad day at the table in Monte Carlo. Down to her last £100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
"I don't know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted."

Word Knowledge

Teacher: Johnny, what is a protagonist?
Little Johnny: It’s when you’re playing tag with kids from another neighborhood and they bring in a ringer... they're a Pro-Tagonist.

Password Reset

I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler...
I was told it had to be case-sensitive.

The Wash Its

While getting ready for school, our parents would always ask if we washed our "its"....
That's our zits, pits, and private bits.