The best jokes (14146 to 14160)

Piece of advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don't use big words.”

A patron ordered a Manhattan. ...

A patron ordered a Manhattan. When it was served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?" asked the man.

The bartender peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."

Behind the bush

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower.

Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.

("I need the rake.")

She replies by pointing to her eye ,

grabbing her left breast, slaps her butt, then rubs her crotch.

The man is confused and runs upstairs.

"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

Geography Class #humor #joke

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Teacher: I wish you'd pay a li...

Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention
Pupil : I'm paying as little as i can, sir.

At the United Nations ...

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Originally told by Bob Hope. Originally told by Bob Hope.

"Getting older is FUN. I love it... life is BETTER. EVERYTHING is better. Even
sex. Yeah, that's right, even sex is better... ESPECIALLY the one in the Fall."

#joke #short

Quote from Mr. TP: “r...

Quote from Mr. TP: “I pity the stool.“

Scary Collection 15

A werewolf joke
Why did the parents call their child "Camera"?
Because they were always snapping!

A skeleton joke
Why do skeletons hate winter?
Because the wind just goes straight through them!

A vampire joke
What do vampires play poker for?
High stakes!

A Halloween joke
Another boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head.
"Are you an unmade bed?
" asked his friends
"No, I'm an undercover agent!
"
A ghost joke
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

A demon joke
What is the demons' favourite TV sitcom?
Fiends!

A cannibal joke
What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister?
An aunt-eater!

Then there's the woman who goe...

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes...And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

What’s worse than finding a wo...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? 
Half a worm.

Sinbad: Obama Is for Everybody

The worlds gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president; but hes half white. We claimed our half, yall get yours. Theres some for everybody. Hes got some for everybody.

Grasshopper

A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

Slogans....

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

What do you call a pig that kn...

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop!