The best jokes (14131 to 14145)

Bad eyesight

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. “How was your game, darling” asked his wife, Jane. “I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight's gotten so damn bad I couldn't see where the ball went.' shrugged Bob.

“Well, you're 75 years old,” said Jane. “You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Jimmy along?” “But he's 85 and he doesn't even play golf any more,” protested Bob. “But he's got perfect eyesight,” Jane pointed out. “Hhe can watch the ball for you.”

So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it, do you see it?” asked Bob in anticipation. “Yep!” Jimmy answered. “Well where is it?” exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot,” said Jimmy.

Does your cat own you?

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?

Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?

Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?

At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?

Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
(Pollsters claim that 40 per cent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

Bronze Statue

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Putting Out a Fire...by Fire

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”
The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water.
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.
The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

A man died and his wife phoned...

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

Hang on to any of the new Stat...

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Really funny jokes-I am rich

A man walked into a doctor's o...

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That's very expensive isn't it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what's your third question?”

A man goes to see his doctor. ...

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

A little boy asked the parish priest a question. Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.” Parish…

A little boy asked the parish priest a question.

Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”

Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.

Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”

Parish Priest: “That's right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.

Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!

Source: CleanJokes4U

Funny jokes-Mongoose in a box

Fairy tales...

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

Compliment Her

There are these two highschool boys at the prom. The first one says to the other..

"My dates really hot and wants to go out to my car, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up"

His friend tells him

"Don't worry! Just compliment her. Girls love compliments."

He says ok and leaves. About 15 minutes later he returns rubbing a black eye.

"What happened! Didn't you say nice things to her?"

"Yea, I did, but it didn't work."

"What did you say?"

"When we first got in the car, we started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, they sure were sweet. She liked that. Then I started feeling her tits. I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She really liked that.

Things were going really good then. I got her skirt up and panties off and told her, for such a large crack, it sure didn't stink much. Then she hit me!"

When it comes to constipation,...

When it comes to constipation, I've been a colonic underachiever.