The best jokes (1426 to 1440)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1426 to 1440. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Odd Rabbi Out
These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried.
"I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...,"
the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Fire Hydrant Factory
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man explained, "You can't park anywhere near this place!"
20 math jokes to make you laugh
I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beer
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees!
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.
Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision.
Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8!
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!
Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent.
Do you know what's odd?
Every other number!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Which king loved fractions?
Henry the ⅛.
Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably.
What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!
A man goes to the doctors complaining of migraines and headaches
After giving the man a regular check-up and running some tests, the doctor eventually returned with three bottles. One with blue pills, one with green pills, and one with red pills. "This is a month's supply of pills." The doctor explains. "Every morning, take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water. Every lunchtime, take one of the green pills with another large glass of water. And at bedtime take one of the red pills with another large glass of water."
Concerned with the number of pills he's going to be taking, the man asks "What's wrong with me, doctor?"
"You're not drinking enough water."
Bibles to Boats
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?""$101,237.65.""$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?""First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles.""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!""No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"-Philip was enjoying the second...
Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
"That's OK, darling," Philip said. "You still have me."
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Yes, Philip," she wailed, "but you don't work either."
Anagrams
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Competition Of A Nation
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
A husband, proving to his wife
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
The groom's uncle said, "Good
The groom's uncle said, "Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life."Groom: "Uncle, did you mean tomorrow? I am getting married only tomorrow."
Uncle: "I know that."
Margie received a bill from th...
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone. "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
