The best jokes (14281 to 14295)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14281 to 14295. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Answering Machine Message 218
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Smart reply
John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.
John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."
Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"
John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"
John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."
Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"
John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"
"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.
John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."
"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.
John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.
When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"
#joke #mother
Teaching a teacher a lesson
Two female teachers at a high school had a routine of sharing their coffee and snacks together during their morning break in the teacher's room. Each would bring a favorite snack and it would be shared between them.
The problem was a male teacher who would pass by while the ladies were taking their morning break. He would see the spread on the table and utter something like, "Wow, cookies!".
Then he would help himself without an invitation and would keep taking one snack after the other. This habit of his really irritated the two lady teachers as the male teacher never had the decency to offer anything nor had he ever asked if he could help himself.
Finally the lady teachers decided enough was enough, and they came up with a plan. One of them bought a doughnut, took out the custard and substituted it with mustard. When the male teacher came in the teacher's room that day, he helped himself to the only doughnut left on the plate as was his habit and left. He never said anything about the mustard, but never went to the teacher's room again when the female teachers were taking their snack break.
#joke #drinks #coffee
Chuck Norris was originally ca...
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.#joke #short #chuck-norris
Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? #joke
Why did the slave go to college?
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
#joke #short
Dan Cummins: Yearly Homeless Charity
I dont know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park. #joke #short
Still in the crate
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"
The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.
The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."
The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."
Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."
The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
Speaking With The General
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
Passing gas takes courage, aka...
Passing gas takes courage, aka intestinal fartitude.#joke #short
When Ted was putting flowers o...
When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
#joke
Dave Nystrom: Tougher Generation
You look at our grandparents generation, and theyre a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a bong out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.#joke #fruit #apple
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"
#joke #short
Jim Breuer: Stumping a Stoner
You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?#joke #short
