The best jokes (14656 to 14670)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14656 to 14670. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
What Will You Do
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Manners
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
A Scrote?
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
God Said So
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "Iam Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!"
When the Circus Is in Town
The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession.
The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves.
Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Blaise CP
The Very Hungry Lion
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Lisa Landry: Spicing Up the Sex Life
I told him, You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I cant have that. Theres no way Im gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it -- and then she gets to leave! I dont think so, hooker. Youre gonna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.Myq Kaplan: Not Encouraged to Be Smart
Youre not encouraged to be smart growing up. There are bullies and kids be like, Hey, Ill knock the books out of your hands. Now, neither of us can read.Two ducks were out on a lake, ...
Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack."Lightbulb...Californians
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
Quotes Of Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra Quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
How did ancient bar-goers sett...
How did ancient bar-goers settle their tabs?The Senility Prayer
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
