The best jokes (14641 to 14655)

Due to increasing product liab

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)
Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

“Woodcraft is a log c

“Woodcraft is a log canoe.”

“My cat was scared by

“My cat was scared by a dog once, she was petrified.”

"Absence makes the heart

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a much repeated cliche. Generally, cliches have truth in them and that is how they reach that cliche status. This one, however, falls short of eternal human truth and needs revising.
I say this only because I notice that people will think fondly of someone they miss only up to a point. What is that point? Invariably it is when the person doing the missing hits the wall and decides there is no good reason for the absence - regardless of the intentions of the one being missed.
So, I submit that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" should be revised to be more consistent with the human experience: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder until I decide you are an evil, selfish, pig who knows less about anything than a blind monkey constantly masturbating in a corner of the zoo, because you hurt my feelings by not giving me any face-time. Jagoff."

“I was nonplussed at

“I was nonplussed at the ability of the student to add manually minus the aid of an adding machine!”

What To Do Or Say If You Wa

What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex
1. "Ooooooo" (the obvious)
2. "That would work better the other way around..."
3. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
4. "Damn, that's complicated."
5. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
6. "Alright already, I came."
7. "You guys need a value pak."
8. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
9. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
10. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
11. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
12. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
13. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
14. Suggest your favorite position.
15. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."
16. "Bring in the Gimp."
17. "Hold that pose."
18. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with joy.
19. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
20. Sing "Shake your bootie."
21. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
22. Charge admission at the door.
23. Make and hold up score cards.
24. All of them should read 6. 9.
25. "I think you dropped something."

Mothers, Wives, and Diapers

Most loving mothers change many smelly diapers. Every day.
Yet, they absolutely lose it when their husbands pass gas.
Go figure.

Annoying Phone

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!"
New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

 I Get No Respect 05

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

 Answering Machine Message 135

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

Southern Pounderings

 Answering Machine Message 09

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another

jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. With other joggers passing by it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Found on https://forums.runnersworld.co.uk, posted on July 2003 by Wolfy forum member.

Eecho from ridge

“He said I could never get an echo from his ridge, but I called his bluff.”

 Question And Answer Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.