The best jokes (14776 to 14790)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14776 to 14790. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Business One-liners 78
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.
It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.
It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.
It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
Doug Benson: Cop Buddy Screenplay
My careers going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. Its a cop buddy picture -- two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourettes Syndrome. Its called Snoozy and Spaz.Governors mansion
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Chelsea Handler: On Maddox Jolie-Pitt
Hes so pissed off cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out shes gonna take him to every other f**king third world country in the world. Hes probably like, When the f**k are we getting to Malibu like you promised?Things to ponder...
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A blonde gets an oppurtunity t...
A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a distant country.She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting
'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.
Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.
She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
Lady goes to buy a pet. In the...
Lady goes to buy a pet. In the store, she sees a frog in a rosewood box and asks for the price."This frog is worth $4000, madam."
"WHAT? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
"I see... I'll take it."
So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shop owner. Moments later, the shop owner sees the problem, and tells the frog, "ALL RIGHT NOW, look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller
Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
kind of like this once
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: “Designed for Windows 95″
Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
Drinking from an aquarium is t...
Drinking from an aquarium is the height of eau-fishness.Ethiopian blow job
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Silly Collection 23
What has a bottom at the top?
I don't know?
Your legs!
What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!
Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!
What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!
What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness Pongster!
Mix Up at the Hospital
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
"This morning I felt that...
"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.""Did he win?"
"No, he came in seventh."
