The best jokes (14911 to 14925)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14911 to 14925. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The smart carpenter
The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"
Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."
The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"
Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"
High Medical Cost
As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying " I'm going to give you a bracelet. "" Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? " I ask coyly.
" No, " he said. " But it cost just as much. "
A virile, young Italian soldie...
A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"
And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!"
"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"
I Deserve A First Class Seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Question And Answer Jokes
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Business one-liners 41
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.
Bereavement
A bereaved wido... Bereavement
A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said a woman next to her. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
With a
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!
The Italian Secret For a Long Marriage
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.Mountain climber hanging on cl...
Mountain climber hanging on cliff to his partner: Hey, the rope holding me is fraying. What if it breaks? Partner: Don't worry, I brought along extra rope.Downsizing - Funny Jokes
Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, “We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!”
His Military Etiquette
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Steven Wright 18
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
