The best jokes (14926 to 14940)

One line jokes-Biology

Two strands of DNA were walkin...

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Egg-Laying

Egg-Laying

Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break

Lazy Lesbians

Q: Why are lesbians so lazy?
A: They don't do dick and they always eat out.

Wrong wish

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

The horse...

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

“Soup operas were the...

“Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.”

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

90210

Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.

Really funny jokes-Wanna see my underwear?

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Lose Weight Fast!

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the

world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale

diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None

worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he

noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A

voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to

lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card

number and we'll have a representative over to your house in

the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the

door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked

except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,

you can have me."

Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over

sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,

panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he

was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the

bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed

to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the

other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to

which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty

pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give

me your credit card number and we'll have a representative

over to your house in the morning."

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock

on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful

blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck

stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a

good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,

but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told

him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He

ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice

at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to

lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the

voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one

time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card

number, you just have your representative over here in the

morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,

splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next

representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.

When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a

sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to

have you."

“The retired general ...

“The retired general would not help his grandson color Easter eggs, but he did give the boy some cottage cheese. Old soldiers never dye, they just feed some whey.”

Blonde Sunday

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?

A: Because the sun was out.