The best jokes (14941 to 14955)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14941 to 14955. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Answering Machine Message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
Business one-liners 65
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Behind every successful man, t...
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.In the back of the Guinness Bo...
In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records." Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheet...
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.Lavell Crawford: Get to Heaven
If I get to Heaven and God is white, Id be like, I knew it all along. Show me to the hood. But if I get to Heaven and God is black, thats going to piss me off a little bit. Id be like, Aint this a bitch? Youve been black all along? Aint you been seeing what the hells going on down there? Neal Brennan: Shut It Down
If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down. Christopher Titus: Post-Weiner Politics
Im thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone Ive tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.An old man was relaxing at his
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."
Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.
If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Answering Machine Messages
Wayne Federman: Discriminating Carpool Lane
The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These peoples -- through no fault of their own -- dont have the social skills to make friends. OK, thats unfortunate, but what do we do as a society? We push them off to the right in this vehicular apartheid, while they sit isolated in their loser mobiles, forced to watch the popular people whiz by them.Hillary Clinton goes to a new ...
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."
Things to do in an elevator...
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, 'Group Hug!' and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 'Your one of THEM!' and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'I have new underware on'.
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, 'This is MY personal space!'
