Two Cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the

milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to

take care of the chickens the government took from the

chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and

as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires

you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take

care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,

but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You

have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government

fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an

apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The

government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You

have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN

DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if

you vote for it. After the election, the president is

impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.

You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government

doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At

first the government regulates what you can feed them and

when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.

After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and

pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill

out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You

have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or

your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of

them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then

execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer

so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for

keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are

transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman

Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,

who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the

listed company. The annual report says that the company

owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you

kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you

from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows.

They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they

ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,

there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of

this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The

government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the

constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas

about government. The cow runs for office, and while most

people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody

except the other cow votes for her because they think it

would be "throwing their vote away."