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Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 June 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 27 June 2008

After a series of tests, the 3...

After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."

The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.

The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Even More Top 10 Signs You Hav...

Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.

9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.

4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy.

1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (12)

If Andy Murray decides to have...

If Andy Murray decides to have an early night does he go to bed at tennish?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

Once upon a time, there ...

Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.

A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

#joke #animal #cat #bird #cow #sparrow
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

From a fortune cookie: "Sorry,...

From a fortune cookie: "Sorry, no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

A Midget Fortune Teller


Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (10)

Assorted 1

What's the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?

You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?

Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?

Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?

Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?

Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?

He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?

He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?

The handsome,

the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?

A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?

You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?

Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy.

#joke #drinks #whisky #wedding
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

a tip for the ladies in ...

a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

Ever go fishing?

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

#joke #policeman #animal #fish #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Follow in my footsteps...

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

#joke #short #animal #kangaroo #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.45/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (38)

A blonde and a redhead have a...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
#joke #blonde #animal #bull
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"
To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  

#joke #animal #bear #deer #sport #tennis
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

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