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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 08 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 08 July 2008

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

How old are the dinosaur bones...

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

#joke
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #85 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What do you call two shoplifte...

What do you call two shoplifters?
A pair of knickers.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Valuable scientific data...

Valuable scientific data.

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: man

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralise by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Which servant of God was the w...

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses -- he broke all ten commandments at once.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (4)

Ponderings Collection 08


When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Heading for Trouble

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.

The man thought,''Hey this is good.'' So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.

The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.

The bartender looks over at the man and says,'' Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.'

#joke
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

the Electoral College is a wei...

the Electoral College is a weird and complicated plan drawn up by our founding fathers just before the bartender cut them off."

-- Mark Russell

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Movie Theater Mayhem!

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat

Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.76/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (55)

It doesn't hurt to take a har...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.91/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (46)

A man asked his doctor if he t...

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.27/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (44)

My brain is like the bermuda triangle

My brain is like the bermuda triangle. Information goes in and then is never found again.
#joke #short
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

To soon to tell?

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.05/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (21)

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

#joke
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

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