Jokes of the day for Friday, 15 August 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 15 August 2008 |
An engi...
An engineer dies and reports to hell.Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
(With apologies to any lawyers reading this ... but the rest of us think it's funny ...)
Religious Symbols on the Rocks
Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
A Dell customer called to say ...
A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.What do you call cheese that i...
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?A man and his wife were ...
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 20
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
an explorer in the deepest Ama...
an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."
Seven Words
"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."- Jeffrey Ross
Funniest tweet at Edinburgh fringe and 6 shortlisted
“wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it”
This Cheesy pun was deemed the best joke of Scottish Twitter by a panel of comedians on 2019 Edinburgh fringe.
@marcsimps0n posted Winning Joke tweet. on Sep 28, 2017.
Other shortlisted entries:
Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down - TM (twitter - @TeiganMair)
Canny believe how expensive being alive is - Nicole Baird (@Nicolebairdd_X)
Mental that yer nipples are older than yer teeth - Danny Gilmartin(@DannyGilmartin1)
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend. - Flanny (@LiamFlannigan1)
Also, check out The best Joke of 2019 Edinburgh fringe, alongside nine more jokes that almost won.Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser
My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future. A Man's World
You know you're in a man's ideal world when:1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
6. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
7. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
8. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
