Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 August 2008

In a long line of frustr...

In a long line of frustrated people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

In shock & surprise, the man in front quickly turned around and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think youÂ’re doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see how frustrated and tense youÂ’ve become, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

The guy replies, "That's the most ridiculous & stupidest thing I've ever heard!". "I work for the TAX office. Do you see me screwing the person in front of me?"

Did you hear about the man who...

Did you hear about the man who fell in love with a psychic? He got down on one knee and asked her, "Will I marry you?"

Song Of The Elements

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,

And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,

And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,

Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)

And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.


There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,

And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.


There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium

And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,

Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium

And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,

Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,

Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)

And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.


There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium

And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium

And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium

And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,

Tungsten, tin and sodium.


- Tom Lehrer

Marketing translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Racists and Lightbulbs

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- they don't want to be enlightened!

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

The Minister and the Taxi Driver

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."

Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

At a session with a marriage c...

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"