Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 August 2008

Truly amazing st...

Truly amazing stuff!

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory:   Dirty Room

Evangelist:   Evil's Agent

Desperation:   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity:   Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class

Semolina:   Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one

Contradiction:   Accord not in it

The top ten reasons nipple rin...

The top ten reasons nipple rings for women are a GOOD idea:

#10. They gain a new appreciation and a "much" higher threshold for pain.

#9. Give them more than just their purse to keep from losing their car keys.

#8. A little body english and a short copper wire; they pick up pay-per-view for free.

#7. They can now jump car batteries without those hard to roll up cables"

#6. A cheap spin table and spot light let's them earn extra cash renting out to Club parties"

#5. They'll no longer have to worry about those nasty stretch marks being the focus of everyone's attention at the nude beach.

#4. They'll always have a ready replacement when they lose their wedding ring.

#3. They can sleep comfortably knowing every elf in the universe is now their loyal friend for life.

#2. Hanging "ten" is childÂ’s play. Hanging "by two"??? Now thatÂ’s impressive.

#1. Hard vibrators are now "way more" than a girl's best friend...

If you love something....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher...

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get the sack?

Two aliens landed in the...

Two aliens landed in the Little Desert near an abandoned petrol station.

They approached the petrol pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

The petrol pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the petrol pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way?

Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."

Did you hear about the woman w...

Did you hear about the woman who sued her husband for being careless in his appearance? He hadn't shown up at home for 15 years.

New Mexico Crazy Law

State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

Carrizozo

It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

Las Cruces

You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.

#joke #short

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?

A: Data transfer.

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Never drive faster than your angels can fly."

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

Getting away from their high-s...

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."