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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 17 September 2008

A Jewish Parrot


Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
#joke #animal #parrot #chicken #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

A fellow is looking for someth...

A fellow is looking for something in his wife's jewelry box. He finds an envelope containing 3 kernels of corn and $15. Curious, he calls to his wife, "Honey, what are these kernels of corn doing in this envelope in your jewelry box?." His wife replies, "Well, Dear, I haven't always been faithful to you. To remind me of the commitment I made when we said our marriage vows, I put a kernel of corn in that envelope every time I've been unfaithful." The husband finds his wife's efforts at staying faithful touching and says he forgives her. But what about the fifteen dollars?, he asks. "Well," she explains, "when corn gets to five dollars a bushel, I sell it!."
#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #209 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A gang of robbers broke into a...

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.'

The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!'
#joke #lawyer #animal #lion
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

#joke #short #food #honey #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Why are maths teachers always ...

Why are maths teachers always sad?
They have too many problems.
Douglas Oliver, Leith

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com


The full article contains 37 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Truth in Marriage

<...

Truth in Marriage

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

#joke #sport #olympic #diving
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between getting a new husband and a new dog? A year after, the dog is still excited to see you.
#joke #short #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Answering Machine Message 60


This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".





#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Caught Entertaining

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

#joke #short #father
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"
"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."
"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"
"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.
"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."
"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 4.58/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (38)

How to ...

How to get noticed at your new work place:

Ask people what sex they are when you meet them for the first time.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your waste bin on your desk and label it "IN".

Email the rest of the company with hourly updates. eg. "I'll be in the toilet for 5 minutes."

Skip everywhere, never walk.

Always address people by the wrong names.

Put mosquito netting around your work area.

Spend lunch in the car park pointing a hair dryer at passing cars.

Never use punctuation.

Tell your new boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do".



#joke #animal #mosquito #food #lunch #fries
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 August 2008
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (54)

A Moral Question

One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (41)

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

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