Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 08 October 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 08 October 2008 |
A Dollar for Sunday School
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
Helicopter Landing
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don't jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!”
Doctor and patient...
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
Why do mummies make excellent ...
Why do mummies make excellent spies?SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-...
SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS
1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)
8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)
12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)
16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
17. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!
Debate Military Issue
I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he gets.
Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.
A recent interchange went something like this:
Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms."
Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'."
Over Exertion
An 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Have I already been here this evening?"
The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."q: What do you get when you c...
q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
One day a truckload of fertili...
One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "what are you going to use this fertilizer for?"
The man said, "For my strawberries."
The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."
Ten rea...
Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:1 It reduces complaints about low pay.
2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.
5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.
6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.
7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.
9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.
10 It leads to more honest communications.
This nun was taking a bath, wh...
This nun was taking a bath, when there was a knock on the door."Who is it?," she cried.
"It's the blind man.," was the answer.
Says the nun, "Well, come on in and tell me your troubles."
In comes the man.
"Wow!" he says, "Where should I hang the blinds?"
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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
