Jokes of the day for Friday, 07 November 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 07 November 2008 |
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:...
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:Christmas Jokes
- Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
- You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
- You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
- Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
- Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
- Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
- You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
- You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
- Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
- Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
- Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
- You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
- Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
- You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
- Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
- Your favorite version of “I'm dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
- Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are...
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday"
The Dead Fish
L...
The Dead Fish
Little Kathy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Kathy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Kathy tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was moved by the little girls emotion.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. But that's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it honey?"
Kathy patted down the last pile of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your bloody cat!
Have you ever noticed that all...
Have you ever noticed that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?Lightbulb Joke Collection 45
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?""My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Seen in ...
Seen in real CVs:"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"Interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
The Rabbi in The confession...
The Rabbi in The confession boothA priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me Father for I have sinned.
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
A priest, a doctor, and an eng...
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Greg Behrendt: Halloween Rules
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume -- cause if youve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: dont grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. Harry under stress
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy's urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis: Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
"How should I go about it?" asked Harry.
"OK," said the doctor, "I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day..."
Can't Do Without It
Duct tape is like 'The Force'...
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
