Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Americans and Russians at ...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued as they were they would blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk.

They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cage doors were opened, the Dachshund came out first and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"Yeah," an American replied, "and we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Under a tack ....

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.

The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

A man asks the chemist: "Do yo...

A man asks the chemist: "Do you have anything to get rid of rats?"

One For The Road...

One For The Road

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Parishioner: That was a fine s...

Parishioner: That was a fine sermon. Priest: Yes, but the audience was full of idiots. Parishioner: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?

Marriage Quotes 02

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Disappearing Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring

books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss

Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any

crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any

crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm

getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them

crayons?"

It's What's for Dinner

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Famous Jokes

A Dinner Blessing…..

Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes' man. Over the years, he's learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he won't eat. His family likes to tease him about it.

One year at a holiday gathering, Ed got the last laugh when he gave this cute tongue-in-cheek blessing: Now we sit to eat what's here; we pray no green stuff will appear. No Brussels sprouts or any such
and asparagus, Lord, would be too much. But give us meat that's white or red and potatoes, corn and lots of bread. Some good brown gravy wouldn't hurt and to top it off, some pie for dessert.

#joke

More La...

More Laws of Work

1 Anyone can do any work provided it isn't what they're supposed to be doing.

2 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the post.

3 If you're good, you'll get all the work. If you're really good, you'll avoid it.

4 A person's authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens they carry.

5 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

6 The longer the title, the less important the job.

7 Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

8 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

9 The more pretentious a company name, the smaller the organisation.

10 Never ask two questions in memo. The reply will discuss only the unimportant one.

Two elderly men Sam and Arthur...

Two elderly men Sam and Arthur, avid bridge players get some bad news Arthur is dying. Sam says to Arthur, please Arthur when you get to heaven somehow send me a message and let me know if there's any bridge up there. Arthur says he'll try.

Arthur passes away and a week goes by, not a word. Then suddenly Sam gets the call. "Sam" Arthur says, there's good news and bad news. The good news is there's a duplicate on Tuesday, the bad news is you're playing.

The Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?"
Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

Sleeves on fire

I recently found myself in what could be considered one of the most foolish situations of my life. I went out to light my cigarette, It was a cold Fall day, so I was wearing one of my worn-out hoodies. As I attempted to light the cigarette using a torch lighter, I caught the hoodie's sleeve on fire.

Initially, I didn't realize what had happened, but when I noticed the flames spreading, panic set in. My instinctive reaction was to try and extinguish the fire by using my other hand. Which, unfortunately, led to the second sleeve catching fire as well. At this point, I found myself with both sleeves ablaze and the fire starting to spread.

While there may have been several rational solutions, I was too lost in the moment to consider them. The thought of removing the hoodie crossed my mind, but with both my arms in flames, it seemed impossible. So, I opted for a rather foolish tactic of flailing around desperately in an attempt to put out the fire, which only just made it worse.

In a panic, I rushed into the nearest building for assistance, which happened to be the bank where I had recently deposited some funds. I entered, hoping to find help, but before I could say a word, security guards forcefully tackled me to the ground and threw me out of the building.

Because you can't bring firearms into a bank.

Credit: FireWater107 reddit user, from Dad Jokes subreddit

Siblings

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a long, hot ride.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothings in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"