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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 December 2008

A blonde girl was going on her...

A blonde girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

"The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't do it. He may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off -- but don't do it. He may try to get on top of you -- but don't do it. If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace your family."

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, "Well, did you disgrace the family?"

"No", said the girl, "Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it's his family that's disgraced!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Surrounded by idiots ....

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'

'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'

#joke #animal #deer #food
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

What did Mr and Mrs Snowman pu...

What did Mr and Mrs Snowman put over their baby's cot?
A snowmobile.

Mark Wilson, Joppa
Share your jokes with us by e-mailing letters_ en@edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 32 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

A Very Bad Day

A...

A Very Bad Day

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

#joke #christmas #mother
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Fortune cookie saying #33: Bor...

Fortune cookie saying #33: Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A Collection Of Insults


A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.




His home planet is flat.

His IQ is a false positive.

His jack can't get the car off the ground.

His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.

His mind is great at error magnification.

His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.

His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

His mind is write-protected/write-only.

His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.

His mind wandered and never came back.

His motto is: Space, the final frontier.

His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.

His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."

His page was intentionally left blank.

His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".








#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Sex Life in Years...

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

"Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

#joke #animal #donkey #monkey #lion
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

This truck driver hauling a tr...

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds not allowed. Enter at your own risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes speeding up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 September 2008
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

One day...

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. However, at the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some Aspirin. I just take some and it'll be better in a second."

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanising!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 August 2008
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

Sport for hungry people

What's the best sport to play if you are hungry?
Squash

#joke #short #food #hungry #sport #squash
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???
#joke #animal #food #sandwich #ham #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

Imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

#joke #animal #buffalo #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Happy Friday

Did someone say friday??
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (36)

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