Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Seen in ...

Seen in real CVs:

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"Interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

#joke

Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day

Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

"The eight Saddam body do...

"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'

"And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead

Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #25 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A husband returns home one nig...

A husband returns home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. "What are you doing?" he shouts. The wife turns to her lover and says, "I told you he was stupid!"

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.

Currently 7.14/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (7)

What kind of tree fits in your...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree

Brian Phelps, Craiglockhart
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com

The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 1

#joke #short

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.Â He plays all the
standards.Â He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.Â The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.Â She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor #animal #dog #mother

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008

Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (45)

Intimate Cellmates

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...

#joke #animal

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

Auto-correct walks into a bar

And the batman says, "why the log fence?"

#joke #short #walksintoabar

Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!

Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

$1 bill

A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him. “I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.

The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast. Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.

“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.

“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.

“He used $1 bills.”

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily

Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Every time i see the word

Every time i see the word “Explain” on a test, a part of me dies.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi

Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day

Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.

How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!

How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.

Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.

Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.

How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!

What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!

What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!

Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.

Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.

Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!

Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.

Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!

Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.

What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.

What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.

Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.

What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.

What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!

Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.

What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!

The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.

The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.

#joke #prank #animal #fruit #orange #food #tomato #drinks #juice #sport #jogging #athlete

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor

Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

I don't run from my problems

I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like all the other adults.

#joke #short

Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

The Blind Man Is Here

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

#joke

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.

Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Q: What is the lightest thing...

Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day

Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

#joke #monday #animal #lion

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor

Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Detective test

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Submitted by sai1ram

Edited by calamjo

#joke #policeman

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.

Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (55)

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