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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 08 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 08 January 2009

The following is a true story,...

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

'Did you actually see the accident?' he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'

'How far away were you when the accident happened?'

'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'

'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?' the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'

The witness was unphased. 'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance.'
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Impressions

HOW ...

Impressions

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her

respect her

honor her

cuddle her

kiss her, caress her

love her, stroke her

tease her

comfort her

protect her

hug her

hold her

spend money on her

wine and dine her

buy things for her

listen to her

care for her

stand by her

support her

hold her

go to the ends of the Earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked

Bring food & beer

#joke #food #drinks #wine #beer
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

A woman had four different hus...

A woman had four different husbands in turn -- a banker, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker. Her theme song: "One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready, and four to go."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

A True Story

A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9- Iron'.
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 'Ribbit. 9-Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies 'Ribbit. Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3-wood.' The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3000,black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' He figures, Why not?
After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
........... 'And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.'

#joke #animal #frog #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Who was it?

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

A young lady came home from a ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
#joke #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (44)

Handling Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

Asked Many Times

Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married."
Friend: "Really, who's asked you?"
Young Maiden: "My mother and father."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Wife's bra

I tripped over my wife's bra.

It was a booby trap.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Dyslexic clairvoyant nurse

Hear about the dyslexic clairvoyant nurse who didn't bother to charge for her services, because she could fee into the suture?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Complimentary soft drink

“Serving yourself a complimentary soft drink is a way to get emotional support.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A police officer sees a man dr...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
#joke #policeman #animal #penguin
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 7.25/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (8)

For her role in kidnapping the 101...

For her role in kidnapping the 101 spotted dogs, Cruella De Ville was sentenced to the fires of eternal dalmation.
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

I must tell

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 15 November 2008
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

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