Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 04 February 2009

Q: What do sm...

Q: What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The Buddhist Computer Addict

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Why did the elephant bring toi...

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party? Because he was a party pooper.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Gran...

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference

Jim strolls into the paint sec...

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

Poem Of English

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

Why did the dude stand in fron...

Why did the dude stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

the job search

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Three Explorers Choose Their Deaths

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, The bad news is that weve caught you, were going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.
The Frenchman says, I take ze poison. The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, A pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, God save the Queen! and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, What are you doing?
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, So much for your canoe, a**hole!

Sam consistently caught more f...

Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and threw it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?"

Now What? (world's funniest joke)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .

This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002

The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan

Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash

Happy International Joke Day July the first!

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

A pretty blonde woman is drivi...

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."