Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 April 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 April 2009 |
Cat in the Way
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Texan in Australia
A Te...
Texan in AustraliaA Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Feline Heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
Murphy's Law of Toast
Murphy's Law of ToastThe probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
#joke #short
The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
A woman in a supermarket sees ...
A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for 1 pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "is this deal correct?""Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached"
English Language
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
God and Adam...
In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
And Adam said, "What's a river?"
And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
And Adam said, "What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.
God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Chicken farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year."Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. "What are you working as at the moment?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass!
Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Why are electricians so clever...
Why are electricians so clever?Dream job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Two men were talking...
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
A blonde arrived for her first...
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
