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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 May 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 09 May 2009

An Englishman, an Irishman and...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What do you call a crate of du...

What do you call a crate of ducks ?

A box of quackers !
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #33 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
#joke #blonde
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (44)

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (47)

A duck walks into a drugstore ...

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist "gee, can you help me out. I need to buy some prophylactics but I forgot my wallet."

The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."

The Duck responds "gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Advice from children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

#joke
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (7)

Got Every Woman in T

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

Steven Wright 09


What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

What do you get when you cross...

What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

President Bush can't find...

President Bush can't find WMD in Iraq, and can't do anything about gas prices, so he's come out for "Intelligent Design".

I guess that shows that religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of a politician.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2008
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

Feline Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 April 2009
  • Currently 6.87/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (46)

Spoon Me

Yesterday the Police arrested me for unsolicited Spooning...
I wasn't charged, they just held me over night.
Which I loved, by the way.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

#joke
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Muldoon Mourns his Mutt...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

Christmas film

There are two types of people in this world...

Those who think Die Hard is a Christmas Film, and those who are wrong.

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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