Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 May 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 14 May 2009 |
Q: How many D...
Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One... if he isn't in handcuffs.
A Texan farmer goes to Austral...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
How Do You Unlock A Door?
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."What is Hell?
One day... What is Hell?
One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.
The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."
The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."
The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !
The first Jewish woman Preside...
The first Jewish woman President is elected.She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come Mama."
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.
"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a Doctor!"
Little Johnny learns to count...
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
Where do cows go on a Saturday...
Where do cows go on a Saturday night?Business One-liners 126
Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Nude beach
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
Obviously Nuts
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.The psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see youre nuts.
My kids love going to the...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Play chess with bald men
'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips (February 7 1956-)
Picture: Matthew Simmons/Getty Images
Half sisters
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Signs of the times
In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'
On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
