Jokes of the day for Monday, 22 June 2009

Three Aussie guys were working...

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

A priest and a rabbi are walki...

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. A handsome young boy passes them and the priest says, "Boy, I'd like to screw him."

The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

Hair Color

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

Muldoon Mourns his Mutt

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Barbie's Letter To Santa...

Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Free meat....

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Knock Knock Collection 050

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don!
Don who?
Don Patrol!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donatello!
Donatello who?
Donatello'n me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Juan!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!

You might be a redneck if 21

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Car Fun

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.

Why did the first monkey fall ...

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing a game!

Murphy's Law of Toast Murphy's Law of Toast

The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

#joke #short

A fifteen year-old boy came ho...

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Try To Spell That Name

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my sister in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall

Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
A: Because their belts are on their hats.

22 Friday The 13th Jokes

What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.

Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.

What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.

What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.

Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.

Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.

Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.

Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.

What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.

Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.

What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.

Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.

What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.

Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.

Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.

How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.

Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.

What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.

What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.

What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.