Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 July 2009

An elderly couple had dinner a...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'

Tribe

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

A woman got on a bus holding a...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A few years in the desert...

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

What's black and white and hor...

What's black and white and horrible?

Knock Knock Collection 177

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumpin!
Thumping who?
Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin'!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!

What did the blondes

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they haven't met!

Pay the Price

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, Id like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "Thatll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I cant accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "Whats going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

>Dear Abby:

I am forty...

>Dear Abby:

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

>Rose

---

>Dear Rose:

So would I.

Abby

A guy is walking down a beach ...

A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.

The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

"I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.

"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".

Rich is better

I've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!

Just like mom...

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Why is a calendar so sad? Beca...

Why is a calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered!