Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 September 2009

Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'

Al, Bill, and Hillary at the Pearly Gates

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne.
He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now."
God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

A football team was short of a...

A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 91

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Three Beggars

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Penis vs. Paycheck

Q: Whats the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
A: You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

The little girl was SO proud o...

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me f...

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook."

A CEO of a large company is se...

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?" He repeats.

"Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

An insurance agent's wife was ...

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

A Russian party-official arriv...

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

This blond came into the airpo...

This blond came into the airport to buy a ticket to Porta Viarte. When asked if she wanted a coach or first class she said, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Porta Viarte on vacation." Again the agent asked, "will this be first class?" The blond answered, "no, make it coach." So the ticket was processed for coach.

The blond went to the gate, handed the agent her ticket and got on the plane, but she went to the first class section. The stewardess told her she would have to move to the back of the plane because her ticket was for coach.

The blond said, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going on vacation to Porta Viarte, I will go first class." So the stewardess asked another stewardess to see what she could do. Same thing happened. So they got the co-captain to help, same thing happened. So they asked the captain to help.

The captain looked at the blonde and smiled, bent over and said something in her ear. The blond jumped up, hurried to the back section and sat down. Now in amazement, the crew wanted to know what the captain said to her. The captain just smiled at them and said, I told her "the first class doesn't go to Porta Viarte."

A Pious Old Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Flying To Frankfurt

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".