Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 September 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 06 September 2009 |
Blood
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.Sunday School Money
A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
Five guys were in a bar. Feeli...
Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises.Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."
The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."
Your chances are better...
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Question And Answer Blond Jokes
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Breaking Up
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finallydecided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of
humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never
seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply
smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm
sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled
and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave
$20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way
out."
Penguins Go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, Whats up with the penguins in the back seat? The man in the car says I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I havent had a clue. The clerk ponders a bit then says, You should take them to the zoo. Hey, thats a good idea, says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. Hey, theyre still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo. Oh, I did, says the driver, And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.A football team was short of a...
A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"“I’d like to order a bar piz...
“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
John's on a business trip with...
John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."
John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.
Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.
A little boy comes down for br...
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A 70-year-old man has never be...
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Working On The Fourth Husband
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
The Popemobile
The p... The Popemobile
The pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a pope - he never got to do neat things like that.
The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the pope.
The pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over.
The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor.
Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy!
Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister?
Cop: No, much much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister?
Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!
An old man went into con...
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old ladies. Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"