Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The Tardy Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

Recently-Spotted Bumper Sticker

I’m a Frisbeteerian. When I die my soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck there.

"Everybody is in the Vale...

"Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow." -- David Letterman

A few pick-up lines...

Guy- Are you from Tennessee?
Girl- No why?
Guy- Because youÂ’re the only 10 I see.

Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because U & I should be together.

You must be tired 'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?

If the only way I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me sleep forever.

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got 'fine' written all over you!

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Clinton Is Vacationing

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Slot machine winner

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

Rooster at the Gym

Why did the rooster cross the Gym? He heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

A football team was short of a...

A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

This nun was taking a bath, wh...

This nun was taking a bath, when there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?," she cried.

"It's the blind man.," was the answer.

Says the nun, "Well, come on in and tell me your troubles."

In comes the man.

"Wow!" he says, "Where should I hang the blinds?"

what did the secend hand said ...

what did the secend hand said to the minet hand I think im lost because I am going in circul

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."

Solution To The Y2K Problem

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems.

2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.


Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a new document?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?

A: Don't shake it.

Why did the post office recall...

Why did the post office recall a set of new stamps depicting politicians? Because people couldn't tell which side to spit on.

An engineer, a physicist, and ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, 'How much is two plus two?' Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, 'Four.'

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, 'How much is two plus two?' The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, 'How much do you want it to be?'

Three Guy's In Hell

T...

Three Guy's In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

Cindy, you have sinned ........