Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 November 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 07 November 2009 |
Represent Numeric Without Using Number
A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What the hell's that?"
Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"
The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"
A young boy had just gotten hi...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"
The angry wife met her husband...
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar."I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Leather Dresses
didn't know this, but it makes sense!!!Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
Writers Quotes
The di...
Writers QuotesThe difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
God is watching...
One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."
When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."
Cuckoo Clock
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping mywife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
Robinson Crusoe was the first ...
Robinson Crusoe was the first man to work a five-day week. He got all his work done by Friday!Knock Knock Collection 200
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yucca!
Yucca who?
Yucca catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yukon!
Yukon who?
Yukom say that again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yuri!
Yuri who?
Yuri great friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yvonne!
Yvonne who?
Yvonne to be alone?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zaire!
Zaire who?
Zaire air is polluted!
Serving Two Masters
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
Aussies: Believe you should lo...
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.
Lightbulb Joke Collection 45
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
Have you ever noticed that all...
Have you ever noticed that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?""My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
