Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 January 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 21 January 2010 |
Pigs Have Needs Too
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. "Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don't take my farm, we'll be broke and homeless."The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?"
"That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbor.
"But how can I tell for sure?"
"Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me."
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear."
"Well they're not," says his wife.
"Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer.
"No..."
"Well what are those fool sows doing?
"Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!"
A wise guy reporter was talkin...
A wise guy reporter was talking to a group of old men seated around the cracker barrel in a country store."Pop," he addressed one of the geezers, "Can you recall the name of the first girl you ever kissed?"
"Young man," the old duffer replied, "I can't even recall the last one."
#joke #short
Lucky Frog
A man goes out golfing.He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
I just needed to use your car #joke #humor
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
#joke #policeman
I have a lot of homeless relat...
I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.#joke #short
A man receives a call from his...
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
#joke
A woman and her grandson were ...
A woman and her grandson were sitting in the pew in front of me in church.During the service the minister moved to the lectern to read the biblical text. As he opened the large Bible, a small boy's voice rang out.
“Oh, Granny!” he exclaimed. “He isn't going to read the whole thing, is he?”
-- Victoria Stirling
#joke
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
#joke #christmas
Ever go fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
#joke #mother
Is Gilligan the Devil?
Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called"Gilligan's Island." There is, however, a dark secret about
this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a
direct representation of Hell.
Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to
leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7
deadly sins:
Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is
obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's
beauty.
The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying
know-it-all.
Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.
Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger
to help on any of their escape plans.
The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no
explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on
each show.
This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them
there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their
escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is
SATAN.
Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.
#joke
Why do Morris dancers wear bel...
Why do Morris dancers wear bells?So they can annoy blind people as well.
#joke #short
A sweet little boy surprised h...
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
Jake was dying.
H...
Jake was dying.His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I've slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work.
#joke #mother
Insane Asylum
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another inmate asked, "How do you know?" "God told me!" A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "I did not!"#joke #short
An out-of-towner becomes frien...
An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in a hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room. She is indignant. The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress puts out."
#joke #drinks #coffee
What does a group of supermode...
What does a group of supermodels have in common? Nothing they can think of.#joke #short
