Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 30 March 2010

German intellectuals have ofte...

German intellectuals have often been accused of taking Goethe hormones.

An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Q: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar ...

Q: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?
A: With Kareem!!!
Q: What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don's mail box?
A: The Ho House!!!

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose.

Kings birthday

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

Knock Knock Collection 115

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lettuce!
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and I'll tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lilac!
Lilac who?
Lilac a trooper!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lillian!
Lillian who?
Lillian the garden!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lily!
Lily who?
Lily house on the prairie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lima Bean!
Lima Bean who?
Lima Bean working on the railroad....!

What To Do in a Crisis

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde

waitress walks

in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street

and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the

middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg

was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood

everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my

training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from

fainting!"

Gross Basketball

Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is? A: Because they dribble all over the court.

TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

At the Olympics a man went up ...

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole."Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

Family of the Groom

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

The seven dwarfs went off to w...

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

Dad: Junior, how did you get y...

Dad: Junior, how did you get your clothes ripped? Son: I was trying to stop a boy from getting beat up. Dad: Oh? What boy? Son: Me!

This nun was taking a bath, wh...

This nun was taking a bath, when there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?," she cried.

"It's the blind man.," was the answer.

Says the nun, "Well, come on in and tell me your troubles."

In comes the man.

"Wow!" he says, "Where should I hang the blinds?"