Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Megan Mooney: Big Catholic Family

Im from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I dont think they wanted seven kids. Theyre Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us.

In Honor of Stupid People

...some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1.On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
2.On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
3.On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
4.On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
5.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
6.On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
7.On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
8.On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
9.On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
10.On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
11.On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
12.On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
14.On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
15.On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals

Country Western Songs #joke #humor

What do you get when you play a County & Western song backwards?
You get your wife back.
You get your kids back.
You get your house back.
You get your truck back.
You get your dog back.
-----
Submitted by Ed Norton via Facebook Fan Page

An Albertan's favourite ...

An Albertan's favourite movie? Tarsand.

A couple was making their firs...

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

It was a blondes first day at ...

It was a blondes first day at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos so that the
counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

An American stood in London lo...

An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know, boy," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."

Bulk mail...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Potatoe Sacks

Three girls were ascaping from jail and were being followed by the cops. One was a brunnet, one was a red head, and the other was a blond. They saw an abondend barn and decided to go in there to hide. They saw 3 potatoe sacks and decided to hide in them. When the cops came in the decided to tap each sack to make sure they wern't in them. The first sack they tapped had the brunnet in it and she yelled," Meow! Meow!" The cops thought it was a cat and moved on to the 2nd sack with the red head in it. When they tapped it she yelled,"Woof! Woof!" The cops thought it was a dog and moved on to the 3rd back with the blond in it. The cops and the blond yelled back," Potatoes! Potatoes!"

twins

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"

--- Rodney Dangerfield

A bishop, a boy scout and the ...

A bishop, a boy scout and the Brain of Britain were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced serious trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry sir! There are still two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has jumped using my haversack!"

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

Complete coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

ATTORNEY: What was the first ...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

TV star Jonathan Ross has been...

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.

Deadly Golf Trap

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.
Bob calls out, Whats the matter Jim?
Jim shouts back, Throw me my 7-iron. You cant get out of here with an 8-iron.