Jokes of the day for Sunday, 23 May 2010

A man is being interviewed for...

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Which Greek philosopher was gr...

Which Greek philosopher was great at football?

At the Race Track

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

A farmer walks into a bar and ...

A farmer walks into a bar and orders a drink.The man next to him notices that he looks depressed, so he asks him what was wrong.

Farmer: some things you just can't explain.

Man: Try me.

Farmer: OK, I was milking my cow when it kicked the bucket of milk over so I took some rope and tied its leg to the fence.

Man: that doesn't sound too bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: There's more?

Farmer: Yeah, the cow kicked over the bucket again with his other foot.

Man: that still doesn't sound too bad, did you tie his other leg to the fence too?

Farmer: Yeah, but I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied his foot to the fence. When I stood up without my belt my pants fell down, that's when my wife came in and saw in the situation I was in.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Patton Oswalt: Moving America Forward

We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

New scientific study

Q: Have you heard about the new scientific study which discovered that a certain type of food decreases a woman's sex drive?

A: It's called wedding cake.

You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

Making out

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to "Makeout Mountain", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.

Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No."

Unfazed, they continue making out.

The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No.

A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it.

Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you."

Submitted by blueindiansquaw

Edited by Curtis

A bloke went to his mate's fan...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.

Jesus in the Bathroom

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A railfan was discussing the N...

A railfan was discussing the NSW C-79 class, pointing out its tall funnel, large driving wheels, and other characteristics which gave it an Edwardian appearance. Then his young brother, a Thomas the Tank Engine fan, came up with a picture of an unstreamlined 38-class, claiming for it a "Gordonian" appearance!
Translation: Nobody could fail to recognise the allusion to Gordon of the Fat Controller's railway!

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."

"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was ...

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? "No."

The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

"No," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

A lion woke up one morning ...

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, Happy Butt.
The teacher says, I dont think thats your name. You need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out.
The girl goes to the principals office and he asks, Whats your name? The little girl says, Happy Butt.
The principal calls the girls mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl exclaims, Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- whats the difference?