Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 June 2010

New bird in town. #jokes #humor

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Sexual harassment is a big pro...

Sexual harassment is a big problem at tap-ass bars.

A boy was teaching a girl arit...

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

Rooney on Answering machines

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."

"Beep." "Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

-- Andy Rooney

You Might Be A Redneck If 42

You might be a redneck if...
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

Dan Naturman: Alumni Calls

You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think youre done with them. Then for the rest of your life, theyre calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I dont get a call from the theater, like, Were buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? Were calling all the Spiderman II alumni.

John comes back quite late fro...

John comes back quite late from a day at the golf course and his wife asks: "What kind of time do you call this?"

A frog walks into a bank. He g...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

Good Question!

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

A man got onto a bus with both...

A man got onto a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blond.

The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Gran...

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference

A Bad Gift for a Buddhist

Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist?
A: Because it comes with attachments.

Two avid fishermen go on a fis...

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Jury selection...

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

When Technology Meets Biology

A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as

the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he

hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear

and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love

you, bye."

The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"

The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home

number so you can try it."

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the

customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand

up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and

he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd

call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."

The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"

"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the

bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to

make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with

his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the

wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his

butt.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous

bartender.

"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans,

"I'm getting a fax."

Two sailors on shore leave, wa...

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde.

First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"

Second sailor replies that he has.

They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.

First Sailor: Have you ever slept with a brunette?"

Second Sailor" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"

They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.

First Sailor:" Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"

His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"