Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 June 2010

Before the Fight Starts

A guy runs into a bar all out of breath. He says to the bartender, "Quick, give me a drink before the fight starts".
The bartender pours him a drink, the guy gulps in down, runs to the door, looks left and right, then runs back to the bar and says, "Quick, give me a another drink before the fight starts".
The bartender pours him another drink, he gulps it down, then runs to the door and once again looks to the left and then to the right, then comes back to the bar and says, "Quick, give me a another drink before the fight starts".
The bartender pours the drink, then says, "What fight are you talking about"?
The guy says, "The fight between you and me. I can't pay for the drinks".

I owe you #jokes #humor

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

Too much cereal gives me ro...

Too much cereal gives me my grains.

A mechanic was removing a...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

Q&A: Before Boaz Married

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A: Ruthless
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German shepherds.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

"There's a rumor Dic...

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three --term president since Franklin Roosevelt." -- Jay Leno

Grandma...

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

Three buddies die in a car cra...

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

Computer Problem Report Form

Describe your problem:

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:

A. Minor

B. Minor

C. Minor

D. Trivial

Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up

B. Frozen

C. Hung

D. Shot

Is your computer plugged in? Yes No

Is it turned on? Yes No

Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No

Have you made it worse? Yes

Have you read the manual? Yes No

Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No

Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

Do you think you understood it? Yes No

If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

How tall are you? Are you above this line?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No

How does this problem make you feel?

Tell me about your childhood

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No

Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes

Juston McKinney: Parking Tickets in New York

The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint. Im like, No, this has got to be a mistake. You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, its a $55 fine. Thats a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons living room, but not for the meter running out. It goes from 25 cents to $55. Thats a 22,000% increase.

I Want To Buy A Golf Ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

The Scientist and the Frog

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Should have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

This duck walks into a c...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck leaves and returns the next day. This time he asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replies "No," and the duck said, "Okay, then. Got any grapes?"

Having lunch one day, a sex th...

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" Her friend said, looking slightly shocked.

The therapist nodded. "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head.

The therapist said, "I didn't think so."